Summary

I sspeculated upon my impression of present studying. I really like it now and MSU is evidently a place, where I like to be and going to linger for some years. At least I don t desire to back, as I thought before.
Sitting at the Spanish lesson where I came with beaming eyes ,I abruptly realized that that was not so easy and there was just so little time, much less than a year to get the level I need. It s definitely not like running over the manual…
Sometimes I have this feeling that I m steadily losing smth. Smth important, whith seemed to be stable is already looming somewhere with strange equanimity. And may be it s not necessary to cudgel brains for the reason or any offence.
Some phrases and activities give rise to painfull, hurt inside. And I hate this feeling, when tears come to eyes. And when u fly into a rage, and fury rushes like million damaging waves, which don t know the way out. The reason? Almost everything is without me now, another people occupy my place, there is no felling of love, which I starve for so much, anymore. I don t know, what has happened. I guess nothing had happened, everything is cheap whining and i m just a fucking moaner, who understands but can t set free the part of life, the part of me, which was the closest one.
I know very good what is like to be or to seem a strong independent person, exclaiming harsh rational comments, and I easily laugh at all the feelings, I can be a professional sceptical advicer.
But it doesen t work with me, with smth seemed to be real.
I found that have this manner to try to hold the past back. As it was in my childhood when I finally arrived to Taganrog after a year of waiting and found that life had changed there. There were no football and games, no frightened mysteries at night anymore. And I exclaimed and reproached them that they didn t even grow up yet, that we needed to have just one more summer,as we have had before, even if it would be the last one.
But time and again the cranky realizing of disappointment and desperation surged into my mind. Till I understood that my participation in this kind of life, in their kind of life is finished.
And after all i become strangely indifferent, and have this frightened indifference, which i scared myself. The question is not wheather i m happy: i am.
There are places where u hide from cluttered confusion of ur mind. For me they re cafes, clubs, sometimes parties and… children s world, this amazing shop, where I always feel good.
Today settling down on the window sill in MSU and drinking shampaigne with the darkness of the red square lights behind, one of us said the phrase, read from the desk of uni: if u want to drink and fuck, u are welcome to Jour Fuck.
The situation may inflence, and under the circumstance comes yearning to hold in hand every piece of ajar quiet magic. Like here and now, epicureans…